Purely Provocative: Nim Vind Mastermind Chris Kirkham Offers Up Hilarious Answers to Some Twisted Interview Questions

- Oct 14, 2014 at 12:57PM
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Chris Kirkham aka Nim Vind is a solo musician from lovely Vancouver, Canada who today, October 14th, 2014, has released his brand new full-length album Saturday Night Seance Songs. We're offering up an exclusive stream of the recording in its entirety (see below), but wanted to also give you more of an in-depth look into the twisted mind of this amazing musician. Check out what Chris had to say when we dropped him some of our "Purely Provocative" interview questions.

Most public situation you've projectile vomited?
Kirkham: Never. That's rookie. However I did find myself sprinting out of a Hospital pretty much naked with people chasing me with a container of yogurt and a bag of saline. I dove into a cab and screamed "How do I get back to the Warped Tour?!?!" I had 10 bucks which was a total mystery and still is, considering I was in mostly naked and had no idea where my clothes were or where I was or how I got there...

Weirdest place you've ever taken a shit?
Kirkham: I pass this torch to some dirty punk with a red mohawk on Warped Tour. I believe a Mohawk, while being an awesome symbol of rebellion and street pride, is also a symbol that means "I will shit anywhere and drink anything with an alcohol content." Anyways, I had to take a shit at some Warped stadium bathroom. As my turn came up for the ONLY stall, a red mohawked punk passed by with a smile and a "you're next." I went in and the toilet was about a half meter overflowed with every horrible thing that could stick to a ton of toilet and newspaper. This punk had somehow shit a cherry-like summit to a mountain of awful. It took skill and practice to do this and I respected that.

Have you ever tasted someone else's blood – when, how who?
Kirkham: I'm a Horrorpunk... or at least they say I am. I have tasted blood on many a full moon....

Ever intentionally spit on fans?
Kirkham: We toured England in my former band The Vincent Black Shadow on a sold out run with Silverstein and Blessthefall. Needless to say we DID NOT fit the bill and while some fans loved us for being different, high school syndrome prevailed and some shitheads decided to give us the gears. Me and Tony (my drumming brother who plays with me in Nim Vind) decided to take matters into our own hands and target these bullies with honed spitting skill. My favourite was one time a kid who had just given me two middle fingers, had turned to laugh and give a nod of "isn't this great?!?" to his friend, only to turn back to the stage and in doing so receive a perfectly timed, tour sick, ball of green lung slim in his irritating little face. It was too perfect.

Grossest chick you've ever hooked up with?
Kirkham: All girls are hot in some way. Don't be picky. You're missing out if you are. Plus, take a good look at yourself and take what the universe doth provide you. It's always some ugly, out of shape, lazy, shithead critiquing every little thing about someone while knowing full well they will not be getting any in the near future.


Sonic Diarrhea – frustrating or fun? How are the shits while touring?
Kirkham: Being a rock n roll pirate, we tend to eat anything. It's a rite of passage. We once feed the bass player a pot of east German stew that we knocked over, cleaned up with a broom, and put pack in the pot. Feeling bad while this drunk jerk ate, we told him what happened. He kept eating. After a few more hours of drinking Tommy Boy Garlic Vodka (real! and yes it's rank as it sounds) we were eating that very stew and loving it too. Wasn't the first time and won't be the last.

Most times you've had sex in "one sitting"?
Kirkham: I practice relaxation breathing and tantric principal during sex so when I finally have an orgasm it's intense and you don't need two. That's also the same excuse I use for wanting to fuck and run. "It was tantric, can't do it again. Bye!!!"

Any arrests?
Kirkham: Any arrests.... I've played Warped tour in a hospital gown, run through customs by accident after 10 hours of flight drinking (don't do this!), been kicked off the tour by my own label for fire on the bus... arrests... actually only one, and it wasn't my fault.

Any near-death experiences?
Kirkham: Coming back from the airport from Seattle to Van. My "friend" driving (can't out this person). I fell asleep, dead tired, plus woozy after taking two Tylenol 3 with Codeine for my sore back at the time and about 26 hours without sleep. I woke up to the car spinning into head-on highway traffic. I thought at that moment "shit... my album isn't mixed yet..." and thought the next moment was gonna be a life ending collision. My brother Tony grabbed the wheel and yanked it hard and we spin back the other way into a ditch with protective wiring that literally saved our lives. The car was total a right-off. There was also the time I got locked in a bathroom in the German country-side and left there, but that's another story....

If you could choose, how would you die?
Kirkham: Fan death. Stalker. Honourable death!

Has a fan ever really pissed you off? What happened?
Kirkham: No not really. I do hate the drunk guy that's blathering about this guitar that he has, that he never plays but should, slobbering and spitting on you while you're desperately trying to talk to some girl with a warm bed that smells like girl. The worst was a time when these slammin' broads asked me to be a part of an orgy fantasy. This is not 3 gas-station workers, this was suicide-girl-front-page worthies! Just then some drunk tit I've known forever jumps on me and won't let go blathering on about her next show. It was like Kryptonite! I couldn't break her off me! I struggled with her to the pavement fighting for my penis's sake! The scene was intense like a war movie climax... not the porn remake either... and I finally tore the beast away from me still blabbering on about "playing a show next week and blah...." When I got to my feet the girls were gone and so was my orgy. All I had left was hatefucking this orgy ruiner, but she smelled like hotdogs so that was out.


Do you bathe on tour? Is it regular? Do you take what you can get and do a wet-nap wipe if there's no shower?
Kirkham: I have taken every kind of bum shower you can take. Any musician who says they've never gotten ringworm hasn't toured enough. Ringworm is a celebration of success. Get yours now!

What's one of the most fucked up things that's happened to you as a musician?
Kirkham: 1. Got put in a shuttle with Todd Rundgren and Alice Cooper. Just them, me, Alice's son and my manager. We got to be flies on the wall while they talked about the first time they saw Led Zeppelin and so on. No press around. Just dudes talking. It was a total trip. One of a kind. The best part was when Alice said to Todd "Golf is amazing man, really! You hit a drive way out there and it's better than drugs! Really!" Todd's response, "Yea... Golf is not better than drugs..." Ya had to be there!

2. I was lost in a Vegas hotel. The girl I was with had become frustrated and screamed "where the fuck is our room!!" A calm voice spoke up behind us. "Maybe I can help?" It was my childhood hero Slash! The alcoholic maniac from Guns N Roses!!! My first thought was, "Slash can find his way around here and I can't... My mom was right...."

3. I met Danzig and could only muster the words "New Jersey."

If someone stole all your band's gear, then you caught the dickwad and no one would ever know what happened next, what would you do to him?
Kirkham: Golden Corral - death by force feeding! Starting with the salad bar. I'm convinced it's all plastic anyways.

What scares the absolute shit out of you?
Kirkham: Flying! I HATE Flying. Every flight I swear I can see a Gremlin on the wing... I was actually on a flight where the pilot came on and asked if there was a doctor on board... then a nurse... then anyone with CPR training at all?!?!?! It was right out of airplane. They were also serving fish....

Have you ever been too wasted to play live? What happened?
Kirkham: Unfortunately yes. I don't drink anymore cause it got too played and boring and I felt assimilated like the StarTrek Borg. However, when I was in my first band Mr. Underhill, the VP of EMI publishing Canada came to see me play and brought a management friend. I drank my face off before the show trying to relax. By the time we started I was so wasted I couldn't remember any of the songs and just pretty much played wrong chords the whole set. The crowd was as drunk as I was and didn't seem to mind how wasted and shitty the show was. I kept trying to get off the stage to save face, but people keep calling for other songs that I destroyed my way through. After the show I got paid in cash and lost it on the way from the stage to the door. I went out drinking with the EMI chick after and proceeded to destroy every introduction she had for me that night with insults, rudeness and general jerkery. Amazingly she worked with us for a while after that!

Check out the album 'Saturday Night Seance Songs'



Your instrument/gear (drums, guitar, etc.) has a catastrophic failure on-stage and you have no back-up, what do you do?
Kirkham: Happened to me TONS. You tune what you have and keep playing. Cheat however you have to. Change the chord voicings however you have to. You just deal. That's an easy one. I've always been proud that we're usually fighting for our lives in any show from gear to promotion to show fees to riders. We make the show happen with whatever we have to work with. That's where all the best stuff comes from. Ever noticed how as soon as a band or artist get limos and free stuff they start sucking?

Name some of your biggest pet peeves. You know... the ones that make you want to wreck shit!
Kirkham: Food wasters and people who disrespect a free meal. I had a tour manager come in when opening for a much wealthier, bigger band and take my sandwich and kick it and say "let's play kick the bun." I looked at him and said, "Hey Led Zeppelin! This ain't the '70's. Don't waste food! Someone made that with their hands and you just kicked it." He never tried to buddy up again and good riddance. No offence to Led Zeppelin.

If there were zero repercussions to you, what's one thing would you do that’s illegal or morally wrong?
Kirkham: Steal from wealthy people all day long. Then I would steal from their financial planners that helped them pass all their debts to us workers.

Name someone you’d like to punch in his or her stupid face, and why.
Kirkham: That ain't my style. If I hate someone I erase them from my world. Just press delete and never see them again ever. Done. Nothing feels better than knowing you'll never see a person again.

If you weren't a musician or totally in love with your job, you'd be....
Kirkham: I only try to be what I want to be. If you're aren't doing that you aren't living this life if you ask me. I feel the universe made you love something cause it's your job to do it. Financial ends are a man-made idea to enslave the many to the few and have nothing to do with it. If you love building you should be building. If you love fucking you should be fucking. If you love rocking you should be rocking. Get it? If it takes your whole life to get there so be it. You may find the journey was the thing itself and the destination was a moot point.

You kick everyone out of the band because you can replace them with any musician you want. Dead or alive, who do you recruit?
Kirkham: Bands or Artists get popular because people believe in something about them. When you act like the parts don't equal the sum you run the risk of losing what people believed in about you. The music business is chalk full of people who think others are expendable and these are people who the business needs to be rid of. The world needs to be rid of that greedy "it's just business" attitude. It's wrecking our good time.

What is your stance on the legalization of marijuana?
Kirkham: Marijuana has been legal in my house since I knew it existed. I could care less what the government thinks. The government is a bunch of humans we all supposedly agreed to be there to build roads and set up parks and keep the peace and catalogue stuff and so on. Whoever cheated and paid someone to go in and declare plants illegal is insane and a traitor to us all. Nobody should get to say what you put in your body after you are 18. That's my feeling. Educate kids on what every drug is and they'll make a good choice. Throwing them in jail for wanting to know what things are that you hide from them is so counterproductive my only conclusion can be that these people who make these laws want to put kids in jail.


The NRA: Republican idiots or worthwhile organization?
Kirkham: If everyone would just chill the fuck out and have some fun we wouldn't need to be talking about guns. Who wants to talk guns? Don't people want to have a party and get laid? All this talk is very Apelike to me. Mean Apes making a good time hard for apes that want to evolve into human beings. I hate all these frowning, greedy, money lusting assholes with or without rifles. Never mind "organizations" or "guns vs no guns". I'm against unfun people. Fuck them and their shitty frowning.

Does God exist – why yes/no/who the fuck cares?
Kirkham: I believe their is a Kinetic Energy that connects everything. I also believe all things have an effect on all things no matter how small. I feel that if you chose to give up on yourself and lay down you will be given a submissive role by the universe. If you chose to go out and aggressively seek out who you are and what you desire to achieve than the universe will respond with a leadership role that you are responsible for. I also feel we all worship the same idea and hope that their is something out there bigger than us. I think old, wealthy families have used that idea against us all in form of separating the world into boarders and competing Gods. It's terrible and we need to get ourselves back from them.

Tell us about the worst lie you ever told someone.
Kirkham: Not a liar. Hate liars. Probably why I'm not famous.

Groupies. Totally awesome, want to bang them all. What the hell is a groupie? Give us the scoop!
Kirkham: I think the groupie idea is played. People deserve more respect than that on both sides. That's just record industry hype-building to make money off a brand name. Most groupies are young, impressionable people, who just want to celebrate someones creativity with them. What piece of shit sees that as an opportunity to coerce them into sex? All this shit about paid "meet and greets," or telling your fans to pay for your albums through kick-starter, or groupies is all bullshit. It's a cool job and a fuckin' privilege to have people pay to you see you do something you love. If you are there for any other reason than that, you aren't the real thing in my books and therefore are irrelevant to my world as I see it.

When was the last time you cried and why?
Kirkham: What's crying gonna do?

Describe your wildest drug experience.
Kirkham: Acid. I took off all my clothes and was doing laps around the room by myself believing if I didn't my heart would slow down too much. Next I went outside and felt like it was about to snow as the ground was covered with a luminescent frost and it was cold... mind you it was June... I decided I would feel better if I chugged two litters of Barbarian Wine Cooler. It's red... I suddenly started vomiting it up and it was like puking blood. Did I mention I smoked about an eighth of B.C. marijuana? Feeling better after puking I took some vitamin C as I heard this calms down a bad acid trip. It seemed to work and I recorded a song. It was a breakthrough track! Honestly the hooks were incredible, the playing was intense, soulful, and amazing and I recorded it! I woke up in the morning in a pile a red puke with no clothes on and my weed pipe smashed near me. I pressed play on the recording to hear the genius I had enlightened my brain with acid to create. It was about 5 straight minutes of muttering, string scratches, and a phone ringing....

What's the creepiest thing a fan has ever done to you/creepiest encounter with a fan?
Kirkham: Send me my email password... after I wouldn't return 100s of insane emails. That freaked me out. Staring at you, pretending to be you, believing they are you, and saying insane shit to you are one thing, but who knows how to hack an email? Dangerous....
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